These are the continuing adventures
of the Ford 351, the warp powered Crewcab, one ton hauler.
“Captain Smerk, we are approaching the
Gamma Centari system and will soon be ready to transport to the surface of Makapass.
“Thank you Mr. Screwloose. Snotty, warm up the transporter. We will be there shortly. And to those of you on the bridge, may I say
that our fifty-five year mission will soon be over. I am feeling a little tired and may need some
ex-lax to relieve a problem I’m having with my bowels. We really do need to do something about the
head on this ship. Now, where did I
leave my cane?”
“Captain, if I may. The people in the Gamma Centari system are a
little eccentric. It would probably be
wise to wear an ankle length dress.”
“Yes Mr. Spot. You can join me on the transporter after
getting into your own wardrobe.”
“Yes Captain. I’ll get right on it.” The door swishes open as Spot approaches, but
does not close properly behind him, so he gives it a good hard kick and smiles
as the door obliges.
Later
as they meet at the transporter.
“Spot, what do you think of my new
pumps? Pretty sharp, eh?”
“I prefer something a little more
comfortable. Six inch stilettos are a
bit too harsh for my tender feet. Where
did you get them?”
“Snotty made them in
engineering. He has decided to create an
entire line. You should see the pair he
made for himself. Bright pink with sequins
and open toes. Quite elegant.”
“Fascinating! And quite charming,
I’m sure.”
“Shall we?” Smerk holds out his hand to Spot who takes it
and makes his way onto the transporter pad.
“This cross dressing, holding hands
arrangement is making me nauseous. I am
wondering if the dilithium on Makapass is worth this behaviour.”
“Oh Spot, it’s fun and the crew are
really taking to it. Why just this
morning, I saw Screwloose sneaking out of his closet.”
“Now that you mention it, he did
seem a bit enthusiastic about the whole thing.
Hmmmm.”
“Oh, leave him alone Spot. Once we leave here he will get back to
normal.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
The transporter begins to hum,
followed by the sound of gears grinding, screeching and howling, while various
coloured lights flash around the captain and first officer in the form of a
rainbow.
“Snotty, what the hell’s going on?
“Never you mind, sir. I’ll ave it workin in a moment. Jest keep your kilt on.” Snotty continues working the controls back
and forth as smoke begins to rise behind the panel and then suddenly, the two
men on the teleporter vanish.
On a
planet below.
“Spot, where are we?”
“I assume we are on Makapass, but I
am not certain. I would advise that we
contact Snotty right away.”
Smerk takes off his shoe and puts
it to his right ear, impaling himself with the heel.”
“Wrong show, Captain. You communicator is in your pocket.”
“Right. I knew that.”
Smerk reaches into his pocket leaving the pump embedded in his
temple. Spot, who cannot stand the
sight, jerks it out and drops it on the ground near Smerk’s foot. A small quantity of red oozes from the odd
shaped hole in Smerk’s skull.
“Snotty. Can you see us here on the surface?” Smerk
asks.
“Just a moment, Captain. I’ll ave to get me glasses.” Snotty looks around for his glasses which he
eventually locates and adjusts on his face.
“Ah, let’s see.”
“Snotty, what’s taking you so
long?”
“Captain, there are people coming
this way. Perhaps we should hide,” said
Spot
“Hide? Why would we want to hide?”
“Maybe because they are not dressed
the same as we are.”
“Oh crap. Snotty!
What the hell are you doing?”
“Patience, Captain. I am getting
a zero gravity suit on so that I can leave the ship and see if I can see
you on the surface. Although…I have a
feeling that it may be a little too far for my eyesight. My eyes have been getting a little poor
lately.”
“You stupid, senile old man. Use the sensors to locate us on the surface.”
“Aye, Captain.” Snotty begins to talk to himself. “Can you see us? Use the sensors. Why didn’t you say that in the first place?”
“I heard that Snotty. Well, what’s the verdict?”
“Aye, Captain. You are on the surface all right. Is there
anything else I can do for you tonight?”
“One second Snotty.” And turning to
Spot, “I thought you said that the people here were eccentric and wore this
type of clothing.”
"Apparently, Screwloose’s intel was
not accurate.”
“You trusted Screwloose, Spot? Unbelievable!” And then turning his attention
back to the ship Smerk continues his conversation with Snotty.
“Yes, you can get us out of these
stupid clothes.”
“Your wish is my command,
Captain.” And immediately, Smerk and
Spot find themselves in a state of undress.
“Not now, you idiot. You better beam us up right away.”
“I don’t have enough power to do
that Captain. There was a fire in the
transporter relay after you left and teleporting is down to a minimum. The best I can do is transport a hamster if
that would help.”
“Listen, you moron, er…I mean
Snotty, transport some clothing down for us, immediately.”
“Aye, Captain. I think I can do that. Any preferences?”
“Just get us clothed. Spot, we are going to have to do something to
that imbecile.”
“Yes, he has been a little
eccentric lately. Were you aware that
all the food replicators have been dispensing haggis instead of our regular
diet? And the coffee is coming out
tea. Perhaps we could have him don that
zero gravity suit and go outside to inspect that external damage to the
starboard nacelle just before we leave orbit.
"Damage? I don’t remember any damage to the ship. When did this happen?”
“Captain, as you said, ‘do
something to that imbecile’.”
“Ah yes. I get it.
We’ll do that, assuming we ever get off this planet and back to the ship
in one piece.”
Clothing appears before their eyes
as the dazzling light weakens and goes away.
“What is this, Halloween? These are Spiderman and Superman outfits. I am going to kill him. With my bare hands if necessary.”
“Let’s just get dressed and stay
out of sight until Snotty gets the transporter fixed.”
“Yes, Spot. That’s exactly what we will do.” Smerk searches all over his body and in the
clothing.” Oh crap! I just realized something Spot. The communicator is gone. It must have been beamed up just as the
clothes arrived. We have no way to call
Snotty again. And with his brains, he
will probably just sit around waiting for our call.”
“I agree. We are in deep black bananas.”
“Huh? What are you talking about bananas for at a
time like this?”
“Black bananas, Mississippi mud, product
of Uranus.”
“Spot, speak English.”
“Shit, Captain.”
“What are you swearing at me for?”
“No Captain. No matter how you phrase it. It always describes the same thing. Shit.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Not surprising! Anyway, perhaps one of these vehicles has a
radio device like those on earth and I can alter it some way.”
“Good idea, Spot.”
The two look around for and find an
appropriate vehicle but when Spot opens the door to look inside and remove the
radio, the vehicle’s antitheft device begins to howl.
“Run for it Spot.” Smerk is halfway down the street when Spot
catches up with and overtakes him.
“Perhaps we better just wait it
out.”
“Agreed.”
Several Hours later a landing party
dressed in drag appears on the scene.
Smerk and Spot who have been waiting in the bushes rush out to meet them
and direct everyone back to the ship.
“Snotty, beam us up.”
Bright lights appear around the
group and they dematerialize and then reappear aboard the Ford 351. Spot
and Smerk whisper conspiratorially.
Smerk leaves for his quarters where
he will soak his aching feet. Mr. Spot
on the other hand, remains to have words with Snotty.
“Mr. Snott. As we were beaming aboard, the captain and I
noticed some damage to the starboard nacelle.
The Captain thinks it would be a wise idea for you to personally check
it out. We wouldn’t want to be leaking
any gas, now would we?”
“I’ve been having a problem with
gas since I began that new diet.”
“No, Mr. Snott. Gas leaking from the starboard nacelle. Outside the ship. Not your aft.”
“Oh, sure Mr. Spot. I’ll do it right away. It’s as good as done.”
“Very good Mr. Snott. Let us know when you are outside.”
“Aye, Sir.” Mr. Snott leaves for the locker room and
returns dressed in the zero gravity suit.
Back
in the Bridge.
“Inna Huri, please listen for any
communication from Mr. Snot. And please
keep a channel open to Star Fleet.
“Mr. Checkout, let me know the
minute that Mr. Snott is clear of the starboard nacelle.” And turning to the pilot, “Mr. Screwloose,
set your velocity to warp 10 and be prepared to leave orbit on my mark.”
“Yes sir, Mr. Spot.” Mr. Spot stands smiling as he watches
everyone on the bridge doing their jobs.
“Mr. Spot, ready for warp 10.”
“Meester Spot, Snotty eess now
clear of the starboard nacelle.”
“Mr. Screwloose, full power…now.”
“Whoops!”
“Well, Mr. Spot. Mission accomplished,” remarked a smirking Smerk
who had just entered the bridge. “Inna
Huri, please inform Star Fleet that we will be accepting resumes for chief
engineer when we dock at Earth Station.”
“Yes, Captain.”
“Mr. Screwloose, set a course for
planet Earth. We’re going home. Unless of course we run into some of those
pesky Grabbons or Romalots. Checkout,
what is our weapons status?”
“Sir?”
“What is it, Checkout?”
“Well sir, we have one hundred
torpedoes.”
“Excellent! What’s the problem?”
“Sir, the anti-matter core has been
replaced with haggis.”
“Haggis? And the phasers?”
“The phasers have been wired into
some barbeque that Mr. Snot has attached to the exterior surface of the
ship. They are completely useless sir.”
“Cyanide, anyone?”
***
Sometime during the month of
December
Stardate 231213.6
Keptin, Keptin!
What it is Checkout?
Sensors indicate something has
attached itself to the port nacelle.
On screen.
“What the hell is
that?”
“Captain, if I
may. It appears to be a man dressed in a
red coat and accompanied by several antlered animals,” said Mr. Spot
“Oh my
goodness. Surely it can’t be.”
“Kepten. I think it ees Santa Clause.”
“Don’t be
silly. There’s no such thing as Santa
Clause, Checkout.” Then quietly to Spot,
“What do you think, Spot. Is it the Man?”
“An ancient
ancestor of mine postulated that if one were to eliminate all possible
possibilities what was left, no matter how illogical, or unlikely, must be the
truth.”
“And that means?”
“It is Santa
Claus.”
Smerk sinks
deeply into his chair and pastes a fake smile on his face. “Not to worry crew. Santa is alive and well.” Again, Smerk speaks quietly to Spot. “Get Snotty junior and meet me in my
quarters.”
“Yes,
Captain.” Spot heads towards the sliding
door which stubbornly refuses to open.
He takes out his phaser and aims it at the door, which then magically
opens.
In the Captain’s
quarters
“Snotty, we have
a problem.”
“Aye, Captain, we
do. We need to find my father before he
freezes in space.”
“No, Snotty Jr.,
we can do that later, if we have time.
Right now we have a more pressing problem, the reindeer and sleigh that
are wrapped around the nacelle. Can you
fix it?”
“Did you say reindeer and a sleigh?”
“That’s right,” said Smerk.
“Aye captain. Leave it to me. I’ll get it cleaned up and get us back to
trekking.” Snotty Jr. heads back to
engineering talking to himself. “Why
would anyone leave a sleigh and reindeer hanging around in space? Don’t they know there are ships out
here. People are just so irresponsible
these days.” When he enters engineering,
he begins barking orders to his crew. “Gentlemen,
we have a problem. But it will all work
out to our favour. There are deer caught
on the port nacelle. We can get
them and serve them in the mess.
Frankly, it’s about time for a change.”
